Q&A: How Do I Ask For What I Want During Sex?

Whether you think your partner should instinctively know what you want, it’s a confidence issue, or you fear embarrassment, it’s not easy for some of us to ask for what we want.

For every person who feels comfortable asking a first-time hookup if they’re good wearing a ball gag and being hog-tied, someone else can’t find a way to ask their long-time spouse to try anal. No matter which camp you’re in, here are a few ways to ask for what you want during sex.

1. Know that if it’s consensual, it’s not wrong. No matter what it is.
2. You are worthy of having a fulfilling sex life. If you’re with the right person, they will want this for you, too.
3. Even if your partner says no, they need to know how to please you. This is the only way to achieve intimacy.
4. If you’re not sure how to bring up your wants, start by asking your partner about their desires. If you’re with someone who is giving in nature or who cares about you, they will ask you about yours. It’s best to have this talk before you get into the bedroom (or wherever).
5. Praise your partner. For every “here’s what I need” item, let them know what they’re doing right. 
6. Talk about it after you do it. Ask how it was for them.
7. And most importantly, if you ask for it, you just might get it! 
   
   Thanks for joining us for our latest series, where we answer your questions and give tips for a better sex life. Have a question you'd like answered in a future Q&A? Send us a DM on Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter. We’re happy to help. And don’t worry. Our team is discreet and never shocked by any questions or concerns!